19 June 2007

I live in hope

Today has so far started promisingly. I did a good pump class, and even upped the weight a bit on squats, didn’t stop through biceps and kept going till the bitter end through shoulders. Then bought a 1.5l bottle of sugar free strawberry flavour Volvic touch of fruit. Had my nakd coco loco bar on the way to work, and have put my lunch which consists of a chicken & pasta "be good to yourself" ready meal unfortunately, low fat rhubarb yogurt, a peach and a nectarine in the fridge. Am hoping that it will stop calling me already. Am hoping I can make it to lunch time without eating anything else. We live in hope…..

Forgot really to tell you a few bits and bobs that I keep meaning to by the way.

1. I saw a good friend at this wedding I was at on Saturday, which, by the way, was fabulous. It was in dead posh hotel in Gerrards Cross, the suite was decorated in a beautiful pale moss green chiffon with ivy and white rose centre pieces, the coordinating bridesmaids dresses were beautiful (white froufrou meringues for the little ones, pale green satin Basque dresses for the grown up ladies) and the men wore green and cream waistcoats with green ties…. As I may have mentioned the bride is stunning anyway – the kind of women who looks great in a bog standard pair of combats and t – but her dress/tiara/veil combo was amazing. She looked like a complete princess. I steered well clear I can tell you. Anyho, to get back to this friend of mine. We don’t see one another very often. She is the daughter of my mums next door neighbour. That kind of gives the game away I suppose if she reads this…. Anonymity is a tricky monkey I’m finding. ANYWAY. She is a complete love. Sweet, kind, open, funny, caring. She is also incredibly beautiful, with a perfect complexion, and a great set of lips. And yet she has probably the lowest self esteem of anyone I know. And I know some people with proper body dismorphia, who fret and worry about every morsel they eat, every item of clothing they own causes them angst, and they genuinely don’t go out of the house if they look in the mirror sometimes and don’t like what they see. I include myself in some of those examples. ANYWAY. The problem with daughter-of-my-mums-next-door-neighbour as far as I can work out is that because she just happens to be one of lifes bigger ladies, she equates that with being unattractive, unlovable, unwanted and unsexy. Nothing could be further from the truth. She is incredibly sexy and very attractive, I love her dearly, and I can’t believe anyone in their right mind wouldn’t want her. Maybe my opinion counts for nothing, but I just wish she could see herself through my eyes sometimes. That could be said for a lot of my friends come to that. The rest of you know who you are. I don’t know what's worse - whether it’s the size 0 culture we live in, or the airbrushed images we are bombarded with everyday, or the random acts of unkindness and ridicule us big girls are subjected to on an ongoing basis from an early age – but I feel sometimes we are actually our own worst critics – and if we only just gave ourselves a break, we could perhaps be slightly happier some of the time with our lot…I know others don’t necessarily see me, how I see me – I think some people see me as a curvy, happy, funny blah blah person. And I wish I was that person. They don’t see the unhappy, unloved, paranoid, self loather that lives deep within. So - you may ask - why don’t I, and lots of other people who are unhappy with their weight JUST STOP FUCKING EATING? Now, if I knew that – don’t you think I would be a happy, funny blah blah person….and very very rich?

2. Those lovely people at Whittards are not only stocking the new Macmillan pin , but they are also giving away some of their lovely hot chocolate if you buy one. Hurrah.

3. Go Paul Potts Go! In my head, although obviously I know that’s not the case, the Kombat Breakers came 2nd and the Bar Wizards came 3rd. If there is any justice in the world, that would have been the case anyway. I hope they both can go on to appear in a variety of variety shows/BBC adverts/other talent programmes and the like for many years to come – cause they were super, and I look forward to a Potts Pav duo single coming out soon.

4. My friend Jenny has suggested that to prepare for my ridiculous death slide on 1st July I should do some chin ups (without assistance) at the gym. I though that either just throwing myself off a tall building with my eyes squeezed shut, or standing on the spot and letting go of my bladder would be better practice…

More random thoughts later no doubt. Comments, as ever, are greatly appreciated.

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