Fragile

I can’t explain it very well (as you will see below); but I am feeling decidedly fragile at the moment. At a time when I should be completely ecstatic – what with good things about to happen at work, and super developments with Boo – I feel rather low and upset…. I would love to say that it’s just the old catch-all “hormones”, or the continual (and frankly rather boring) “weight/food issues”; but I don’t actually think that’s it.

I think I miss my friends – past and present.

I know that as people grow up they sometimes grow apart, and that the idea that your friends are for life is unrealistic in today’s culture – where many people have more friends on facebook than in real life – but I feel like I’ve been rather careless in the past with some relationships that I should have treated with more respect. And I feel like I’m doing it again now.

Over the past 10 years or so, I’ve split up with five people who I considered “best” friends. Four of those people were almost like a package deal, and I’ll be honest when I say – I still don’t really even know what happened… they all seemed to turn on me like rabid dogs, and whilst I don’t think I did anything wrong – they all ended up hating me. Suffice to say it was a very messy and very expensive break up – and even now I come out in a bit of a cold sweat when I think about what happened. I still miss one member of that gang so much even after 7 years, and that’s despite the fact that towards the end of our relationship he was a complete and utter cunt to me.

I broke up with another very very dear friend just before I started this blogging malarkey. We’d been together for over 10 years – and I hold her almost entirely responsible for getting me through the dark days after my dad died. Again – I don’t really quite know what happened. One minute we were chit chatting about work, sex and weight – the next minute we were walking on eggshells around each other and she was debating whether our friendship was dead in the water… I miss her every day – but an overwhelming sense of pride and stubbornness (on both parts I like to think) stops us from bridging the gap and smoothing over whatever misunderstanding we’ve had.

Don’t get me wrong, my remaining best friends are all great. Fabulous. Of course I moan about them and get annoyed with them sometimes. Don’t we all? But they are all fun in different ways and we enjoy hanging out, over-analysing, getting drunk, crying and laughing together (amongst other things).

But – and here’s the killer - I get very overwhelmed with life sometimes – the constant chores and routine wares me down – and I get very selfish with my time with Boo and my niece and MYSELF. And I don’t put in enough effort. Nowhere near enough effort into keeping the relationships alive. I don’t call enough. I don’t text enough. I don’t e-mail enough. And I certainly don’t spend enough actually face to face time with them…

Am I the only one who has friends guilt?

Little White Lies

My amazing friend Suzie managed to squirrel a copy of the new Bernadette Strachan out of Hodder Towers, and sent it to me.



I've started it, and its brilliant.

I've long been a fan of Bernie and her books. Handbags and Halos and Diamonds and Daisies are two great books - but her first, The Reluctant Landlady has stayed on my "Favourite Books Ever" list since I first read it; and I've re-read it every year since!

When I finish Little White Lies, I reckon it may go on the list too.

A sad day for the Fat Girl in Blue

So, despite having 3 years left on his contract, Jose has quit Chelsea...and despite his great record (see below, which I snatched from bbc.co.uk)

2 June, 2004 - Appointed manager
27 February, 2005 - Wins Carling Cup 3-2 v Liverpool
30 April, 2005 - Beat Bolton 2-0 to win Premiership title
4 May, 2005 - Signs new five-year contract
29 April, 2006 - Beat Man Utd 3-0 to win Premiership again
27 February, 2007 - Beat Arsenal 2-1 to win Carling Cup
19 May, 2007 - Win FA Cup by beating Man Utd 1-0 at Wembley
19 September, 2007 - Leaves Stamford Bridge

Apparently Avram Grant (current director of football or something) is going to be named as our new manager later today....

Am gutted.

Where

on earth have the last two weeks gone...??

Had a gorgeous evening with mates from the Big W at the most bizarre Indian restaurant called Ragam (the ceiling is on the floor and visa versa), had thai with one of my best mates at our local, nearly bought a new Mini Cooper from cargiant with Boo, did some more classes at the gym (blah), ranted about the tube strike, went to Nottingham and played in the Games Workshop workshop (for work), had my annual hair cut, colour and blow dry, had the family engagement dinner (the first time both families had met - eek!), had a drink with some ex-Foppers, put on nearly half a stone on the Weight Watchers plan (I was right, you can't just go to the meetings - you actually do have to follow the diet), spent a fantastic day with my niece, and nearly finished "Cents and Sensibility" by Maggie Alderson which I've had in my pile since the great launch party at Pout on August 1st LAST year....







My friend tells me that now I'm getting married (yippeeee) I've got an incentive to loose the weight. I tried to work out whether she was right, whether I was insulted, whether I was upset or whether she was wrong (whilst eating a muffin). The way I figure it, Boo loves me. And he must love me as I am, cause I've been pretty much the size I am today the whole way through our relationship. He knows I'm not skinny. At least, he should do by now. If the fact that I've been miserable with my weight my whole life hasn't made me do something about it; it seems unlikely that getting married to a man who loves me as I am, will shake things up enough to make me eat celery... Am I missing the point here? Should I want to strive to fit into some big old meringue dress in a size 10? Or should I find a fantastic dress that suits my curves and makes me feel like a princess? I tried a couple of dresses on last week, so see what a generous size 20 body looks like all-in-white. I don't mind telling you I was pleasantly surprised. The Mother cried and told me I looked beautiful. And she NEVER tells me that....

All comments, as ever, are appreciated....