Fragile

I can’t explain it very well (as you will see below); but I am feeling decidedly fragile at the moment. At a time when I should be completely ecstatic – what with good things about to happen at work, and super developments with Boo – I feel rather low and upset…. I would love to say that it’s just the old catch-all “hormones”, or the continual (and frankly rather boring) “weight/food issues”; but I don’t actually think that’s it.

I think I miss my friends – past and present.

I know that as people grow up they sometimes grow apart, and that the idea that your friends are for life is unrealistic in today’s culture – where many people have more friends on facebook than in real life – but I feel like I’ve been rather careless in the past with some relationships that I should have treated with more respect. And I feel like I’m doing it again now.

Over the past 10 years or so, I’ve split up with five people who I considered “best” friends. Four of those people were almost like a package deal, and I’ll be honest when I say – I still don’t really even know what happened… they all seemed to turn on me like rabid dogs, and whilst I don’t think I did anything wrong – they all ended up hating me. Suffice to say it was a very messy and very expensive break up – and even now I come out in a bit of a cold sweat when I think about what happened. I still miss one member of that gang so much even after 7 years, and that’s despite the fact that towards the end of our relationship he was a complete and utter cunt to me.

I broke up with another very very dear friend just before I started this blogging malarkey. We’d been together for over 10 years – and I hold her almost entirely responsible for getting me through the dark days after my dad died. Again – I don’t really quite know what happened. One minute we were chit chatting about work, sex and weight – the next minute we were walking on eggshells around each other and she was debating whether our friendship was dead in the water… I miss her every day – but an overwhelming sense of pride and stubbornness (on both parts I like to think) stops us from bridging the gap and smoothing over whatever misunderstanding we’ve had.

Don’t get me wrong, my remaining best friends are all great. Fabulous. Of course I moan about them and get annoyed with them sometimes. Don’t we all? But they are all fun in different ways and we enjoy hanging out, over-analysing, getting drunk, crying and laughing together (amongst other things).

But – and here’s the killer - I get very overwhelmed with life sometimes – the constant chores and routine wares me down – and I get very selfish with my time with Boo and my niece and MYSELF. And I don’t put in enough effort. Nowhere near enough effort into keeping the relationships alive. I don’t call enough. I don’t text enough. I don’t e-mail enough. And I certainly don’t spend enough actually face to face time with them…

Am I the only one who has friends guilt?

Little White Lies

My amazing friend Suzie managed to squirrel a copy of the new Bernadette Strachan out of Hodder Towers, and sent it to me.



I've started it, and its brilliant.

I've long been a fan of Bernie and her books. Handbags and Halos and Diamonds and Daisies are two great books - but her first, The Reluctant Landlady has stayed on my "Favourite Books Ever" list since I first read it; and I've re-read it every year since!

When I finish Little White Lies, I reckon it may go on the list too.

A sad day for the Fat Girl in Blue

So, despite having 3 years left on his contract, Jose has quit Chelsea...and despite his great record (see below, which I snatched from bbc.co.uk)

2 June, 2004 - Appointed manager
27 February, 2005 - Wins Carling Cup 3-2 v Liverpool
30 April, 2005 - Beat Bolton 2-0 to win Premiership title
4 May, 2005 - Signs new five-year contract
29 April, 2006 - Beat Man Utd 3-0 to win Premiership again
27 February, 2007 - Beat Arsenal 2-1 to win Carling Cup
19 May, 2007 - Win FA Cup by beating Man Utd 1-0 at Wembley
19 September, 2007 - Leaves Stamford Bridge

Apparently Avram Grant (current director of football or something) is going to be named as our new manager later today....

Am gutted.

Where

on earth have the last two weeks gone...??

Had a gorgeous evening with mates from the Big W at the most bizarre Indian restaurant called Ragam (the ceiling is on the floor and visa versa), had thai with one of my best mates at our local, nearly bought a new Mini Cooper from cargiant with Boo, did some more classes at the gym (blah), ranted about the tube strike, went to Nottingham and played in the Games Workshop workshop (for work), had my annual hair cut, colour and blow dry, had the family engagement dinner (the first time both families had met - eek!), had a drink with some ex-Foppers, put on nearly half a stone on the Weight Watchers plan (I was right, you can't just go to the meetings - you actually do have to follow the diet), spent a fantastic day with my niece, and nearly finished "Cents and Sensibility" by Maggie Alderson which I've had in my pile since the great launch party at Pout on August 1st LAST year....







My friend tells me that now I'm getting married (yippeeee) I've got an incentive to loose the weight. I tried to work out whether she was right, whether I was insulted, whether I was upset or whether she was wrong (whilst eating a muffin). The way I figure it, Boo loves me. And he must love me as I am, cause I've been pretty much the size I am today the whole way through our relationship. He knows I'm not skinny. At least, he should do by now. If the fact that I've been miserable with my weight my whole life hasn't made me do something about it; it seems unlikely that getting married to a man who loves me as I am, will shake things up enough to make me eat celery... Am I missing the point here? Should I want to strive to fit into some big old meringue dress in a size 10? Or should I find a fantastic dress that suits my curves and makes me feel like a princess? I tried a couple of dresses on last week, so see what a generous size 20 body looks like all-in-white. I don't mind telling you I was pleasantly surprised. The Mother cried and told me I looked beautiful. And she NEVER tells me that....

All comments, as ever, are appreciated....

Overdue but worth it.

I remember feeling overwhelmed when I read "After You'd Gone". It's one of maybe a couple of handfuls of books outside of my chosen genre that I've read in my entire life. And one of the few outside of my genre that I've loved passionately.

"The Distance Between Us" blew my mind. Yet again, I was forced to buy a "keep forever" copy of a non-chick lit novel, as well as the "read it till it falls apart" copy.

I don't remember much about "My Lover's Lover" other than I'm sure I enjoyed it, but I also remember thinking it was very weird.

I've had the proof of "The Vanishing Act of Esme Lennox" sat, unread, on my shelves for well over a year. And having finally read it on Sunday, I'm gutted that I didn't pick it up before now.

I'm sure the entire world knows what this book is about, and most of those that can read, have probably read it already - I'm just very slow and very shabby... but anyway, it tells the story of Iris who comes to learn about her elderly relatives - two sisters - Esme and Kitty, who were bought up in India before moving to Scotland in the 1930's. In present day, Esme is about to be released from a mental hospital, where she has lived for the past 60 years and Kitty is suffering from Alzheimer's, and is trying to piece together her past.

Lots of people far better qualified than I, have posted various disparaging reviews on other blogs and sites about this book. Balderdash to the lot of you I say. I adored the book. I loved the sisters relationship with one another and themselves. I was gripped by the story and what happens to them before, during and after Iris makes contact. I may not have liked Iris or her bizarre half brother, but they had a place in a story that would not have been as dramatic without them. I've never been to India, or Glasgow come to that, but the descriptions of both places were so exquisite I felt like I had once I'd read the book.

The build up to the ending was beautifully written and when the ending finally came, I felt winded with pain. I still don't really know exactly what happens at the end, but I think the ending my mind's eye has painted is fitting. And just. And perfect.

I'm so excited.

Boo is going to make an honest women of me. How very very bizarre. Someone - and not just anyone - but the Love of My Life, actually wants to marry me. And have me as their wife. How very very bizarre.

We got engaged (officially I suppose) at the weekend. Although we had spoken about it a while ago, and he asked me, properly, at our picnic the other weekend in Windsor - and trust me, keeping it a secret has almost killed me. But no, he wanted to wait till we had The Ring and had told The Mums, before I was allowed to stand in the middle of the street and scream at the top of my voice...

So I've sent a completely impersonal e-mail to everyone I've ever met, and updated my facebook status to Engaged. And I had a Double Decker, two portions of Tarte Au Citron and a big bag of Skittles to celebrate.

Watching ones Weight

I started this blogging malarky in May, around the same time I started telling anyone and everyone that would listen that this time would definitely be the time that I stuck to a diet and lost the 6 excess stone I've been humping around with me since I was old enough to choose my own meals...

It really isn't going to shock anyone (least of all myself really) that I have failed in my mission. I'm a big fat failure.

Or am I?

According to Fiona, my new Weight Watchers leader, I am in fact a winner. Whether this is because I spent £17.95 on my first Monthly Pass yesterday; cause I agreed a goal weight of whatever the lady who weighed me said I should be; or cause I've bought a little red plastic wallet to hold all my booklets in - I'm not sure.

But quite frankly how anyone who weighs 15 stone and 13.5 lbs at lunchtime then goes home to a 17 point Toad in the Hole dinner can be a winner is beyond me.

Such a slacker

I've had the uncorrected proof of Conversations with the Fat Girl by Liza Palmer on my pile of books to read since about January last year. I am officially a slacker. Thank God my Summer Reading campaign has finally started, so I can start power reading through the stack of great books I've got...

Conversations With the Fat Girl is a tale of two best mates - both were once fat, one of which got some surgery, got herself thin and got herself a fiance. Focussing on still fat) Maggie, her dead end job at the coffee house, her relationship with her family, her lusting over Domenico, reminiscing about her youth, yearning for a happier life, and planning Olivia's (now thin) wedding - the author creates a really beautiful story, which I found both funny and incredibly sad. As a fat girl myself, I could relate to a great deal of this story and saw alot of my own issues reflected in Maggie - the lack of willpower, the self loathing, the "if I can't love myself how can I expect anyone else to" stuff...and whilst I don't have a shared fat youth history with any of my friends, I do have a lot of thin, fit and fabulous mates who I constantly compare myself to.

I don't really think Conversations fits into my usual Chick Lit box. It's not fluffy enough. It doesn't have a conventional happy ending, there aren't enough shoes or shags. I loved it. I felt great sympathy for Maggie and was cheering, laughing and crying towards the end as she finally sees Olivia for what she is, and her relationship with her for what it has become...

I see that Liza's next book "Seeing Me Naked" is due to be published in March next year. I'm looking forward to it already.

Chocolate Buttons and Jumping

are always great - individually or mixed together. My niece was excited about both things at the weekend.





Her Nana, Mum and Aunt were much more excited about Blossom Hill White Zinfandel....

Pillow Talk

It has been a fair few months since I last read a book in a day….time has been against me of late I fear, and the motivation to turn off the TV and step away from the fridge is so much easier when it’s lovely and sunny outside…. so, it was great to finally get my Summer Reading campaign off to a start last Saturday with Pillow Talk by the ever satisfying Freya North. As anyone who knows me knows, Love Rules goes down as one of my favourite ever Chick Lit titles, and yet Home Truths, Freya’s last novel didn’t quite rock my world to the same extent, so I was both excited and nervous as I opened up the first pages of Pillow Talk; a tale about teenage sweethearts Petra Flint and Arlo Savidge (where do these authors find such names?!) who meet at school, don’t so much as snog, grow up, loose contact, and meet again, many years later shopping for Easter eggs in an ice cream parlour in North Yorkshire. Petra (now a jewellery designer) sleepwalks and Arlo (now a music teacher) never sleeps – and as we find out why, we learn about the lives and loves of these two troubled souls.

I love how beautifully Freya draws characters for us, and I love the non threatening romances she develops for her leading men and women, and Pillow Talk is no exception. Very gentle and quiet, there’s no massive weepy moments, no massive belly chuckles either – but it kept me hooked and engaged from start to finish. A classic chick lit tale of love and life, it’s a cracker for the beach, the bed or on your way to the boardroom.

Since I Don't Have You

I forgot to say that last week the new book by my lovely friend Louise Candlish came out. I'm only half way through my copy (I couldn't bear to bend the spine of the signed one she kindly gave me!) so I can't tell you all about it yet, but the reviews so far for have been glowing....

Elle - `Superbly crafted . . . ripe for Hollywood'

Cosmopolitan - `A touching tale of friendship and family - heartbreaking and heartwarming all at once. We couldn't read it fast enough'

Eva Rice - 'Brilliant. I so envy Louise Candlish's witty and effortless style'

Log onto louisecandlish.co.uk for more info.

DROP DEAD BEAUTIFUL

Get your pre-orders in NOW for “Drop Dead Beautiful” the latest offering from the Queen of Old School Chick Lit, Jackie Collins, coming in October 2007. Continuing the adventures of Lucky Santangelo, this is Jackie Collins’s 25th novel, and is perfect pure unadulterated fabulousness from start to finish. Ms Collins is responsible for bringing us Jack Python – the best male character to ever grace the pages of a pink book and whilst Lucky isn’t my favourite female character; the tales of the Santangelo family have kept me riveted since “Chances”, the first of the 6 novels in the series.

To try and explain the twists and turns of this story would possibly take me till the end of the week – so to give you a rough idea Lucky is opening a new $6 billion hotel in Vegas, Venus Maria is dating young stud movie star Billy Medina, Gino is celebrating his 95th birthday, Henry Whitfield-Simmons is out of his mind and plotting revenge against Lucky for his failure to make it as an actor, Max is running amok (like mother like daughter) in Big Bear woods, Anthony Bonar (grandson of arch enemy Enzio Bonnatti) is ignoring his wife, shagging his various mistresses and dealing drugs whilst plotting the downfall of the entire Santangelo family, Irma Bonar is shagging Luis the gardener, Francesca Bonnatti is plotting revenge for both husband and sons murder, and movie director Alex Woods is still in love with Lucky…

The other members of the Santangelo family also appear – Lennie Golden (Lucky’s husband), Bobby (her son) has opened a club in New York, Gino Junior (another son), Brigette Stansilopolous (goddaughter and Bobby’s niece) has left the modeling world and started designing jewellery, Leonardo (Lennie’s illegitimate son)…

And in amongst all this Lucky keeps getting hand delivered notes with just three words written – “Drop Dead Beautiful”.

Buying a Jackie Collins book is like buying jumbo editions of OK and Hello magazine. Even before celebrity based glossies were part of our every day lives Ms Collins has been bringing us tales from Hollywood – that she admits are based on the real lives of the movie stars, rock stars, and A listers she knows. And I for one, can’t get enough of them.

I might not know much. But I know that Jackie Collins rocks. And I don’t care if you don’t agree.

46.7% Body Fat

One punnet of strawberries and two of blackberries, two nectarines, a couple of trays of sushi and a bag of salt & vinegar snack-a-jacks. A four egg omelette with frozen vegetables and a low fat yogurt. Great so far huh?

One viscount and one penguin. A couple of very large handfuls of nuts and raisins. Failed.

Day one of the restarted diet was going great guns till I got home and opened the treat cupboard.

Damn and blast it. I last took my measurements on 19th April - 103.6kg, 46.7% body fat, 38.5 BMI. I went to the gym this morning, and I’m going again tonight. I'll take the measurements again at 6.30pm. Lets see what 15 weeks of crap cheap food and stress can do.

The Story So Far

Quite frankly the diet is a disaster.

I feel it's time I came clean just so no-one is under any illusion that behind the scenes I've still been counting those calories and avoiding the carbs.

What with the whole Fopp disaster, the frantic job hunt, and the £ situation - the last thing on my mind has been the cheap food I've been forced by circumstance to keep on eating. Although, obviously it's actually the first thing on my mind. Constantly.

But just so you know, I'll be starting The Diet again (I promise) when things have settled down in the bank account department - and I can yet again afford the fresh fruit and vegetables on a daily basis.

Just when that will be is anyone's guess however. Given that I have yet to receive any money from those incompetent fools at the jobcentre + or indeed the Government department responsible for paying off all us poor old ex-Foppers who got shafted without pay....

Ho hum. Life (and weight it seems) goes on.

The Deer Hunter

A lovely weekend was had in the country, with The Most Beautiful Baby in the World. As ever she was a complete delight...

We went to a stunning National Trust place in Sevenoaks (called Knole Park I think) to chase the deer on Sunday. Being wild, they didn't unfortunately just sit there and wait to be stroked, and it broke my heart when she said "They don't like me"...luckily the Tea Room had a healthy stock of both Mini Milks (for her) and Citrus Cake (for me) to help ease our joint pain.

Second Chance

So I finished the lovely proof that my friend Suzie got for me from her friend at Pengiun of the new Jane Green coming in November Second Chance at the weekend.

True to typical Jane Green style it's funny and sad in equal measure, telling the tale of a gang of friends who have lost contact since leaving school, how their lives have turned out so far, and how they all meet up again following the sudden death of one of their mutual friends (Tom) in a terrorist attack on a train in the US. The central characters of Holly, Olivia, Paul and Sabrina are all very different and hold their individual stories well and the supporting roles of Will, Anne and Sarah are just as strong. Holly is in a loveless marriage, Olivia is single and sad since being dumped, Paul and his wife are desperatly trying to get pregnant and actress Sabrina is a recovering alcoholic. The twists and turns of their lives are brilliantly told, and, as seems to be usual with me, I was really rooting for a happy ending for all the main characters....and I wasn't disappointed.

My only critisim might be that maybe this is a bit too fluffy, and a bit too similar to many other books out there - but none the less, it's a story told with great sympathy for differnet peoples needs and wants, without being super super sloppy. Perfect for a day in the sun - should the sun ever appear....

Great News

I'VE GOT A JOB!! I start on Tuesday and I'm very every excited. Unfortunately the offer came just moments before the firm that had offered me a part time role then upped that position to a full time role - which meant I was caught in a complete quandry and now feel terrible about having to turn one job down, and fearful that my decicion to stick to my original acceptance might prove foolish. However, I've gone with my gut decision, and feel that everything potentially happens for a reason....at least I bloody hope so.

To celebrate I've eaten some jammy dodgers.

Now I feel a bit calmer, I hope I'll be able to get this show back on the road and re-start (again) The Plan to loose weight. I do very very much hope so.

What a week

Phew. My week has been somewhat disjointed to say the least, so many apples for not posting since last Friday.

To bring you right up to speed, I went for drinks (well, a single diet coke and a glass of free bubbly) with The Girls at The Pub on Friday to celebrate Shiv's birthday. Lovely evening, but would have been somewhat more enjoyable for me if I'd had enough money in my purse to buy the birthday girl a drink. And myself a bucket of wine.

Saturday involved waiting in for the boiler man to come and fix something that wasn't, as it turned out, broken at all. Taking some clothes that are now too big for me to Oxfam. Doing a pump class. Epilating my hairy legs. Doing three loads of laundry. Ironing. Fake tanning. Hoovering. Completing the stupid Ernst & Young forms. Food shopping.... in Iceland, for cheap lard. Spending hours surfing the internet for a BLOODY JOB. Blah Blah Blah.

Sunday I did a conditioning class at the gym. Walked a bit. Sat in the park next to the tramps and the wino's (its amazing how much I relate to those sad fuckers now), reading my fabulous proof of the latest Jane Green - "Second Chance".

Monday started bright and early with an appointment at an agency to register for work, then an interview at a publishers, then a conditioning class at the gym.

Tuesday started equally as early with a Pump class, followed by more hours that I ever imagined possible at the Housing Benefit Office; filling in more forms and trying to explain to more people who JUST DON'T GET IT, that I haven't been paid since 31st May and I'm skint and don't have a job, but YES, I did work for the month of June, but NO I didn't get paid for it. And NO I haven't received any redundancy, or notice period or holiday in lieu. And NO, I don't have a secret stash of money I can tap into to pay my rent. Or council tax. Or gas, electric or water bills... Or buy my travel card to get to the interviews I'm desperately running around London to attend. Or buy fresh food. Or Tampax. Or my pension. Or my contents insurance. Or my TV licence. Or my mobile phone bill....

Feeling thoroughly humiliated and drained I then went to my Mums and sat on her sofa and bawled my eyes out for a while.

Wednesday I just couldn't be arsed to go to the gym, but did have another interview up town...and bumped into Gary Linekar. The two are in no way related.

And then today I did a Pump class this morning, then sat in the JobCentre+ (what's the + stand for by the way?!) to sign on, which basically involves completely ignoring the fact that you have an appointment at an allotted time, and just sitting on a hard bench waiting for someone to mumble Zara Pippa about 45 minutes AFTER your appointment, incoherently asking you what you have done to gain employment and have you considered applying to work at the local newspaper in the classified section, cause that's apparently what the world of publishing involves if you work at the JobCentre+ ....

I then hopped, skipped and jumped back up town for the millionth time this week for a second interview at the publishers, and I'm now killing time/updating my blog whilst waiting to have drinks (tap water for me please!), with some of my lovely old mates from The Big W.

Boo has said I can use his tinternet tomorrow, so hopefully I might have some time to do a far better post all about the food and the food and the food I've eaten this week and what not... but until then - have you tried Pret's Carrot Cake?!

xx

So very very touched

I am very very lucky to be able to call some very very important people in The Industry my friends.

One such friend is Emma Barnes, MD and fabulous bigwig of Snowbooks. She has written me a supplier reference...

"I worked with Sara-Jade during both her Waterstone's and Fopp roles. In both roles she was efficient, utterly organised, bright, responsive and original. She was a delight to work with and easy to collaborate with. Her extensive knowledge of the book trade has always been impressive - she has a rare ability to get things done whilst making people love her. A more detailed or tailored reference is available on request."

I don't really know what to say. I'm too busy feeling totally chuffed to pieces. Thank you Em. xxx

Oh What A Week...

Blimey, its a mad mad crazy frog world when you don't have a 9-5 routine. Did you know there is a whole section of society that actively don't work? Ever. Literally they never get up, go to work, go home, go to bed, get up, go to work blah blah blah.....I've met some of them this week. They don't all smell of wee. They don't all have small children. They don't all have serious issues that prevent them working. They just don't work. What they do do though is play music loudly on the bus through their mobiles, hang out at Shepherds Bush Green blocking the path and spitting whilst swearing, and they shop very very slowly in the supermarket...

I hate them.

They don't seem to be running from recruitment agency to interview, to internet cafe to housing benefit office and back again as I seem to have been this week. Trust me, I'm exhausted. I've applied to literally hundreds of "could be made up and probably are" jobs online. I've written directly to 6 employers I would love to work for. I've registered with 4 employment agencies for PA work and filled in the same form 4 times. I've spent 2 hours in the jobcentre explaining to a lovely lady why I don't want to stuff envelopes for a living, but would really appreciate financial help whilst looking for a job. I've chased up The Administrators, to find out exactly what my employment status is, and asked why I don't have anything confirmed in writing. I've argued, loudly, with The Bank. I've cried alot. I've had 2 "meet and greet" interview type appointments and 2 actual interviews. I've used 3 different internet cafes around London, and have found Just-It in Ealing to be the most hospitable and easyinternet to be the most unpleasant. I've taken 12 different sets of PC skill tests and found out my ideal role would be as a data entry clerk as my results for that particular test were OUTSTANDING. I've bumped into an old Golds Gym buddy who now runs his own private practise in Harley Street who offered to get me fit by November. I've been offered 2 jobs. I've done 6 classes at the gym. I've almost finished reading a hardback debut novel that my friends at The Friday Project kindly gave me on Monday called "In Search of Adam" (FYI - brilliant). I've met up with my lovely friend Peter from The Big W for a diet coke (he paid) in Old Compton Street. I've bumped, literally, into Lenny Henry on Charing Cross Road. I've ridden/road (?) over 50 buses. I've eaten peanut butter sandwiches every day for lunch. I've met my lovely author friend Louise Candlish for drinks in Covent Garden, and had just one too many gins. Again.

As I say, it's exhausting being unemployed when you actually want to work. I almost wish I was one those people who didn't care and didn't want to work.....only almost mind.....

Ooh, before I forget I also gave in and finally joined facebook, so I could be a part of the gangs of ex-Foppers having a right good old bitch about the incredibly shabby way we've all been treated. Such fun.