...and by God there was dancing...

43

days to go. 6 weeks. Things are hotting up. And our bank account is bleeding money out of every pore. Literally. Christ these things are fucking costly. Let's hope a good time is had by all that's all I can say.

Later on today we take Ms Williams out for some birthday good stuff. There will be eating. There will be drinking. And by God, there will be dancing.

Tomorrow the traditional Mother's Day Afternoon Tea will take place, this year we've chosen the Mandarin Oriental and I have high hopes for the scones and the buns.

Next week I'm being taken for something fabulous and secret on Wednesday. It's in Soho. It's an early start. I have no idea what "it" is, but as long as it doesn't involve offal or chess I'm happy.

Next Friday we are off to meet Mr Registrar for some planning of the ceremony business. We have to take a yellow form. And some blue forms. And a thing about stuff. And some vows. And, you know, other bits.

Then on Saturday we are having a Non-Stag Anti-Hen Pre-Wedding Get-Together Drinks-Thing. I'm wearing a frock. And having my hair done. And will hopefully be sozzled before the sun goes down.

The following weekend I'm taking The Mother of the Bride to see some ballet. And then we've got a secret surprise birthday party. And a family lunch on the Sunday.

The weekend after that it's Easter. I will be eating my body weight in chocolate.

The weekend after that it will be 2 weeks to go.

The weekend after that it will be 1 week to go.

The weekend after that I go from SJP to SJV and people will confuse me for a people carrier...

This had me crying with laugher on Friday night…

And it’s still the funniest thing from Comic Relief this year.

Funny for Money?

Four hours in, and at last, something funny worth my money.

Catherine Tate as Rude Nana, NOT accepting the grand for the Jubilee Centre for Old People.

Fucking hilarious.

I finished How to Lose a Husband and Gain a Life this morning in the bath. (I spend WAY too much time doing things other than gettingreadyforwork in the morning….)

I hope I’m not too biased, given that I LOVE the author, but I love the book too…otherwise it would make our lunch date on Sunday a tad tricky ey? But it really is brill. Ruby Gallagher has a seemingly fabulous life. Big old gangster dude husband, much shopping and not much housework…la la la. Then Gangster Dude gets done for fraud and Ruby finds out some rather unpleasant hidden truths about their life together – forcing her to take stock and turn her life around with the help of a feather dusty, a clown, a superb gay couple Teddy and Kendall, and new best-friend-hiding-a-secret Maria.

As ever, Bernadette delivers a classic holiday read, it’s fast and pacy, funny and warm with brilliant characters, a great storyline and the feel-good factor you now come to expect.

Am hoping that the move to Little, Brown will ensure that How to Lose a Husband secures all the right placements in all the trade and high street retailers to guarantee a hike up the charts and a place on all the Summer Read recommends lists…

I'll Be There For You

I was just happily googling some of my favourite authors websites to see what’s new, what’s coming, what I might have missed and came across this which I am delighted about – even if they can't spell my name right!!

Brand Candlish is well on its way to securing its permanent place on the Top 10 FOS shelves of all good bookshelves, with echoes of Jodi Picoult in style and the love child of Katie Fforde and Maggie O'Farrell in content' Sarah-Jade Piper (Fat Girl on the Run blog)

Am hoping that a copy of her new book might squirrel its way out of LB HQ?!

62 days and counting

It was a very interesting week….we had a gorgeous tasting meal at The Inn on the Green. The best pannacotta with poached strawberries I have ever put in my mouth featured strongly, together with the house champagne, house white and house red. I was very drunk and it was a school night.

Thursday morning The Sister had her next fitting for her dress… she looks amazing, 10 years younger, 10 foot taller and 10 pound lighter. I felt like a proud mother.

I asked Peter Kay to cancel his gig in Vegas and come and do a skit at our wedding… he’s considering it obviously.

I reactivated myself on facebook, and immediately regretted it.

Me and Boo got some new specs.

I finally ordered my wedding ring.

I made a ginger cake.

I did some epilating, some fake tanning, painted my nails in a French manicure styley, blow dried my hair straight….generally pampered myself.

This week will see another 5 hours of sweating at the gym, a dinner with my favourite American, my next dress fitting and a rather exciting lunch plan with my favourite author friend. Luckily the lunch is after the fitting...how fabulous.

At the weekend we niece-sat. She was dropped off by The Sister and The Brother In Law in time for lunch on Friday, and picked up again on Sunday afternoon.

That was not one, but two nights. Two bedtime routines. Three lunches. Two dinners. Two breakfasts. Two bathtimes.

And about 5 hours of just me and her time before her very favourite Uncle got home from work on Friday night. I had never, not ever, in her entire 4 years and 10 months on the earth, spent 1 minute on my own with her before then.

I was bricking it big time.

But despite being told I was no fun (she cannot lie my niece), witnessing head bumps and one fall, I had an absolute ball. She was a complete delight to have, and we loved every minute of having her to stay. Even the no sleep on Friday night minutes, and the slightly tense minutes after her nap on Saturday afternoon….

However.

Never before have I been so sure that motherhood is not for me. It is exhausting. Draining. Completely consuming. Utterly petrifying. And requires a level of patience, understanding and tolerance that I just do not have.

Being an aunt meanwhile, is almost the very best thing in the world. If I could just calm down and stop imagining I’m seconds away from breaking her it would be THE best thing in the world.

Except cupcakes maybe….

It has taken me 46 days to loose 1 stone. I have 73 days left to go. Even I can work out that my goal of a 5 stone loss before the wedding is now shot to bits. Best possible would be another stone and a half…

Fucketyduck Mother Fuck.

On Friday, we did some crunching at Work of the new Walkers crisps. They were all horrible - tasting of old man socks and other peoples burps...and other nasty things that one would never want in ones mouth. Charlie Brooker has tasted them too, and written about it in a very funny way here.

79 days to go...

So tonight we are off to The Inn on the Green for some Pre-Valentine/Wedding Breakfast Tasting Menu dinner. We get the heavenly chore of scoffing two starters, two mains and not one, but two puddings…

Such a very hard life we live.

We’ve gone for the Loch Fyne organic salmon with rye bread and Chicken liver parfait, fig chutney and toasted brioche to start, Sautéed sea bass, spaghetti of crab, chilli and spring onion and Scotch salmon Wellington, Pernod and fennel veloute for main, and then some Pannacotta with poached strawberries and a Chocolate fondant with pistachio ice cream to finish. Am obviously salivating just typing those words.

Then tomorrow, for the official day of love, we are dining at home from the rather nice (and equally as cheap) £10 Waitrose Dinner at Home offer – Lobster Bisque to start, Steak for main, and then some Gu chocolate puds for dessert.

The diet is off for the next 48 hours. Sunday it’s off to the scout hut / sports centre for 6 hours of cardio to work it all off again…

So, we have just 12 weeks left before The Big Day. That’s 84 days… 3 months, give or take….

Cripes.

Am so excited now. Yippee for me. And him of course.

The diet was shot to bits over the weekend, as I invited The Girls over for another evening of all things lard and carb laden on Saturday. Mango & chilli marinated prawns with a pomegranate salad to start. Lorrie’s special Italian pasta sauce. Homemade seeded bread. Raspberry and basil infused icecream. Chocolate mouse. Sticky ginger cake… all washed down with many bottles of rose.

I got to bed at 4.30am. Boo timed it perfectly and came home at 5am. So delighted we had arranged to pop over to The Mother of the Bride’s for Sunday lunch 6 hours later. Couldn’t be more tired if we had tried. And hungover of course.

This weekend we will be staying at home, in bed, doing all things Valentine-y. Ahem…

What Next?

It feels like it’s taken me about 12 years to finish The First Assistant which I’ve had sitting about for a fair few years anyway on the shelf in proof version. It was good, I liked it, it didn’t blow me away, but then very few books do these days.

However. I have on my bedside box the following:

The brand new book coming in April from my lovely chum Bernie – who has slipped ships from Hodder to Little, Brown and been reinvented by the lovely Jo Dickinson…. CAN NOT WAIT to start it.

And.

Mr Mike Gayle’s To-Do-List which I believe is non-fiction, but equally fabulous…all about how Mike made a list of all his outstanding Things To Do, and then started doing them…

Together with three titles from New Work that I really really must get on with…

The first being the second title from our new chicklitty author, Jane Costello The Nearly-Weds which promises to be superdooper.

Then we’ve got the return of Cannie Shapiro in the follow up to Good in Bed by Jennifer Weiner. Again, v excited and salivating at the prospect…

And finally, the fourth from the lovely Debby Holt Love Affairs for Grown Ups which features a character called Cornelius Hedge. Really.

There are also proof copies of the new one’s from Collette Caddle – “Between the Sheets”, “Poor Little Bitch Girl” from Ms Collins, “The Sister Diaries” by Karen Quinn, “The Good Bride Guide” from Matt Dunn, Milly Johnson’s “A Spring Affair” and “Chasing Daisy” by Paige Toon, floating about that I wanna get my grubby little mitts on as well…

Oh decisions decisions!

so, where were we?

oh yes, we've lost 1/2 stone since we last posted...so only another 5 1/2 to go...

we've done a hell of a lot of cleaning, tidying, laundry, blah blah...

we've had the mother of all headaches...

we've had laryngitis...

we've had a stinky shit cold...

we've had a cold sore the size of another head...

we've actually had to have a couple of days off sick...

we've celebrated Boo's 39th birthday with scallops and steak...

we've walked 3 hours in the snow to get absolutely no bloody closer to work than when we left home...

we've spent the day on the sofa...

Birthday Joy

Yesterday The Girls celebrated the last birthday of 2008 with some lunch and extended drinking in Chiswick for Lady Beves special day.

When I say extended drinking - I mean we started at 2.30pm with lunch, and finished at 11.30pm with a complimentary bottle of champagne on the house at a bar which really should have known better and kicked us out about 3 hours earlier....oh the mess.

Anyway, a rather fabulous time was had by all. Here follows the most acceptable photos from the day. The less attractive drunken shots are definitely for-their-eyes-only...

As expected we spent NYE on opposite ends of the sofa, in our jammys, having a raspberry beer and a rather fabulous roast dinner what I did cook, watching Howl’s Moving Castle (which was in all honesty my favourite Christmas TV) with a quick peck on the lips at 12 midnight. The fun just never starts in SGR. We did have an invite “Out” but quite frankly couldn’t be arsed. What a pair of stay-at-home miseries we’ve truly become. It’s brilliant.

First day back at work on the 2nd was bizarre. I felt like one of the few survivors of some hideous 24 Days Later zombie attack – the rest of West London obviously had the day off. I managed to get to my desk, turn on the PC, made a coffee and then sat there for the next 8 hours with a face on. Christ alive, you could actually see the tumble weed rolling down the corridor of doom that leads to the Big Wig end of the office. However, when I got home Boo had made all my bathroom dreams come true. We now have a shower tap. Yep, I can now wash my hair in clean, fresh running water. Oh the joy.


Then the weekend was a food fest of pure gluttony in preparation for the Beginning of the Diet which started first thing Monday morning. I feel like my stomach has actually eaten itself if truth be told, but we are four days in and 115 days to go till the wedding and I refuse to have more than one chin and one belly when I walk down the aisle.

Fitness guru Melly has sent me a link to a rather fabulous website called Spark which lets you monitor for absolutely free-no-money both your diet and exercise regime – with some rather handy widgets and fandangos thrown in for good measure. I’ve signed up, and can report that I’ve had 58g protein, 32g fat and 167g carbs today with 346 calories left in the kitty for my tea when I get home....

...which will be after a brand spanking new fitness class that me and Lorrie are going to try tonight. It’s in a wee sports centre/scout hut that looks to be stuck on the side of a church and infants school, so obviously we’ve got high hopes! But its cheap and local and neither of us have anything better to do tonight. I’ve done classes every night so far this week after work, and I’ll be buggered if I don’t get something in this evening!

Then tomorrow night The Mother and I will be taking in some culture at the Coliseum, with a touch of Manon in the company of the English National Ballet. It will be the first of many ballet excursions this year, and no doubt I will report back with a rave review in a bit.

The weekend holds a wealth of cleaning, ironing, tidying up and the like, which obviously I’m over-the-moon-delighted by, but I do have a proof of the new Mike Gayle, which was squirreled out of Hodder Towers by a kindly lady for me – which I’m gagging to get into, so perhaps whilst he’s on his Xbox360 I can hide away under the duvet. Bliss.

Oh I do like to be beside the seaside...

Big Booey took me out for the day today (it's getting more like care in the community every day here...) We had a wander along the promenade, strolled down the longest pleasure pier in the whole wide world and had ourselves some fish & chips for our dinner.... the simple pleasures in life.










Tomorrow we are taking ourselves to B&Q. I mean, really, how much more excitement can one person take? The good news, and I mean, proper good news is that we went and got ourselves a new bath tap unit on Sunday - with a shower mixer bit built in - which Boo is going to fit on Friday when I'm back at work. That means that for the first time since I moved into SGR nearly a year ago, I will be able to wash my hair under running clean water instead of rinsing with a plastic measuring jug. You can not believe how much I am looking forward to this. Far more than any New Years Eve celebration fandango nonsense. We've had the "what are we doing tomorrow?" conversation. He said "nothing". I said "oh ok". He said "why, what are YOU doing?". Like I would be doing something that didn't involve him.... I mean, obviously I would love to do something. Something glamorous and fabulous. Something involving fancy wine, fancy food, a touch of dancing maybe, a gorgeous party frock with high heels, glossy hair, glossy lips... a casino maybe, a yacht, fireworks. Oh the possibilities would be endless if I was a different person with a different life. What I will be doing though no doubt involves a ponytail, no makeup, no contact lenses, jimjamjarmapegs, TV, diet coke and something out of the freezer. Shouldn't life in general be more exciting, more colourful, more ... something than this? Don't get me wrong now, I know I have a lot to be happy and content with. I know I'm very lucky blah bloody blah. I've got a roof over my head, food in the cupboards, enough money to pay the electric bill, a job to keep that money rolling in (touch wood, cross fingers etc etc), all my limbs, all my senses, some brain cells rattling around in my noggin... but you know, it's very, you know, blah isn't it? All this sort of same old same old stuff. Am I suffering with post Christmas blues? Do I have New Year stress syndrome? Am I getting myself in a tizzy for nothing, or for something? Answers on a postcard to Discombobulated Mansion, Cross Roads Avenue, Can't Be Arsed Town, Pissed Off and Grumpy.

Happy Christmas

These are my favourite photos so far of the festive season....

I couldn’t quite say what on earth I’ve been up to that’s been so important that it’s meant that yet again 2 weeks have passed since a post… Soz. Luckily the world has gone credit crunch shopping crazy so I am pretty sure no-one has time to read this blog, and therefore hasn't missed it at all... Anyway, for those that do care ...

We had our Work Christmas lunch. Very nice it was. I had goats cheese with peppers. Then some pasta. Then some Tiramisu. And I wore a Christmas hat and pulled a Christmas cracker.

We had the dress fittings with Boo’s Sister and Niece – they looked stunning. In just 131 days they will get to wear them. 131 days...

I made another Key Lime Pie. I left it in the kitchen at Work along with a note that said “Fresh cream key lime pie – must be eaten today – SJP”. The ink on the note was still wet when the last slice was taken…

I had a great evening with two of my favourite author lady friends. We talked about men and books over some Italian food whilst drinking Proseco. Does life get any better than that?

I started and finished Sophie Kinsella’s new one Remember Me?. It’s been nominated on the long list in the Romantic Novelist of the Year Award 2009. I’ve been to the award ceremony a couple of times along with the blue rinse brigade. Its brilliant, slightly silly, and not usually very at home to standard chick lit, so it’s a great nomination…but I fear there are not quite enough clogs and shawls to guarantee it a place on the shortlist.

So, in a couple of hours Chrimbo proper will be upon us, and two weeks of sitting around watching TV and eating my body weight in lard will begin. This year we've got a day with my mum and a day with his mum. Then we've got a bunch of days on our own. Next year we will be Mr and Mrs and I am determined we will bugger off on our own for a romantic get away. But for now its sprouts all round and lots of ITV repeats.

I'm looking forward already to my 2009 New Year Resolutions. Remember the last ones? Oh what fun I've had obeying none of them...

Anyway hope you have a lovely festive season and Santa brings you everything you want. Including the blow job.

It’s been a long old two weeks since I last posted…during that time Boo and I celebrated our anniversary with a lovely day off and an afternoon trip to the flicks to (finally) see Quantum of DooDar. I really enjoyed it, him not so much... and I do agree that a kiss on the back does not a sex scene make.

I met up with two of my bestest gentlemen friends from The Big W for some dirty dog burger dinner treats and some gay cruising observation on Old Compton Street. A good time was had by all – until we all had various degrees of dodgy belly, due to the dog burger…. never again I tell you.

I had my first fitting for The Dress. Cripes what fun. The tailor is actually having to take it in, yes, take it in around the hips and bust… the hips and bust I tell you, cause it’s too big. TOO BIG. Obviously, I never want to be told what size it started off at, but that’s by the by. We’ve gone for about a foot off the train, and a little satin shrug affair to hide the old bingo wing area, but other than that, not too shabby. Although the only comment made by The Mother was “Mmmm, it’s not the same as I remember”. Nice.

With 5 months to go till the Big Day, all the bits and bobs are fitting into place nicely. We’ve had a success on the suit front for Boo and the Brother-In-Law, with a nice three piece in charcoal that makes them both look simply yummy, and we are going to hire the colour coordinated cravats from a shop down in Worthing. I spent 4 hours wrapping up all the gifts we’ve bought for everyone – decorated in sparkles, feathers, ribbon and jewels – and then spent ½ hour checking with Boo that I hadn’t gone over the top… I’ve bought The Nieces dress online – a gorgeous white frufru creation with diamante’s and tulle, which is going to look gorgeous with the wings we got from fairylove for her to wear.

I had a rather teary farewell to my friend who is leaving Blighty for an extended round the world trip before going back home to NZ to live. We knocked back a couple of bottles of Rose, and I made her promise to take care. I will miss her awesome Body Pump strength and hope she gives up all this relocation malarkey, and comes back soon.

I met up with my big wig mate who is now a very large slice of cheese down Fulham Palace Road way for some sushi in Westfield. We had a potter round the shops and I chose my NEXT engagement ring from Tiffany’s. She’s always good value for money, and it was lovely to catch up.

Then this weekend Boo and I went to The Country for the weekend for an early Christmas with The Sister, Brother-in-Law and Niece. Being a smug cow from Smugfordshire, I’ve bought and wrapped all my gifts and written and posted all my cards – so am feeling very relaxed about Christmas this year. We’ve put a serious budget limit on the spending (trust me, this wedding won’t pay for itself let me tell you!), and have bought only things we know our friends and family want – so felt pretty confident exchanging gifts this weekend. We hadn’t banked on such a hefty sack coming our way though – and was a bit overwhelmed by all the great presents we got. None more so than our gorgeous new duvet, pillows and bed linen. We changed our old rubbish for our new stuff when we got back yesterday, and spend the whole night feeling like we were in a hotel! It’s thick and fluffy and cosy and fabulous, and I pity the poor overnight guests who come to Flat 3 and have to make do with our old cast-offs!

On the book front, I finished the manuscript that Big Director Lady gave me of an amazing debut novel we are planning on publishing in a couple of years I should think which is cracking – and am almost finished the brilliant new Adriani Trigiani coming out in May next year. The first person to leave me comment with a recipe for gorgonzola gnocchi can get their mitts on a proof copy….

On the work front. Crickey, we do live in fiscally turbulent times don’t we? Just think, if I’d followed up that job offer to work on an industrial estate in Hayes, I would be facing another Fopp Fiasco. That would be two crashes in two years – and I truly don’t think my nerves (or my bank balance) could take it all over again. That’s not to say of course, that all is quiet on this particular western front…. but only time will tell whether the head count misses my bonce. Cross your fingers for me please.